


Ineffable morons

by Aziraphaleandcrowley (orphan_account)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, but in a cute way, ineffable, they are morons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-05-28 13:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19394815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Aziraphaleandcrowley
Summary: Just crowley and aziraphale shenanigans





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some good omens happenings. I'll keep adding.

Crowley was not wearing any trousers. To understand why you need to go back 2000 years to around the times of the Romans.

Crowley was in the middle of a battlefield on a particularly cold winter's day.

"It's fucking cold out here" (bear in mind that this would all be in Latin)

"You're a demon, i expect that would make rather a a difference from hell" came a voice from behind him. 

"Oh, come on! You here to thwart me again?! Well thwart away, mr thwarter"

"Well actually no. I was here because i had trouble finding a particularly nice scroll"

"You're calling me. In the middle of some demonic acts. Just so you can get me to help you find a collectible peice of paper?"

"If you want to put it that way. Then yes."

"Ok sure..."

" _sure!_ but won't your superiors be unhappy with your choice?"

"I'm a demon. Being an ass is in the job description."

"Oh. Ok. Nice outfit centurion"

"Thanks. Mind you the skirt is terrible at keeping me warm. I might make something later that's hopefully better at that."

And severall centuries later you get the idea.

* * *

"Where the fuck are they. I put them somewhere"

His complaining was drowned out by the sound of his plants rustling.

"IF YOU LOT KEEP LAUGHING I'LL MAKE SURE YOU WILL FEEL HELL ON EARTH"

The sound was suddenly gone and Crowley was left quiet still searching for some trousers.

If Crowley had payed attention he would have realised that he had left them in the middle of the atlantic after a night of getting wasted and accidently crashing the iceberg he was on. But that's demons for you. Terrible at admitting mistakes as they are stubborn.


	2. Crowleys 1st Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowly finds out that churches are bad for him

"So i heard they are calling this a church"

"What's that meant to mean"

"Beats me. I think it's like a house of God."

"Isn't it weird for you? Saying God and all that?"

"Nah. Just like eating something spicy. Burns my mouth a little"

Crowley stared across at all the humans working hard on their small little building. 

"Why don't we come back when it's finished?"

Aziraphale looked happy at this small arrangement. "I would very much like that"

* * *

4 years later and it had been completed. 

Crowley was just outisde talking to a priest about God.

He stepped inside and regreted it immediately. He felt like he was walking on hot coals. "Shit shit shit shit shit."

Crowley knew swearing in a church was bad but, hey, he was a demon. It would be better for his job if he did.

Azirphale had chosen that moment to come in. "What in heaven's name are you doing"

"It's- so- hot." Crowley said, doing a weird sort of tap dance accross to him. 

"Well i suppose it's because you're standing on consecrated ground. Like with holy water, but weaker"

"Yes yes yes. But while you're giving me theories, I'm here trying to make sure my nerves don't die"

Although it's unlikely that Crowley had amy nerves. Or anything else a normal person has for that matter. Then again, Crowley isn't normal. Or a human.

In this way Crowley learned that he shouldn't go into Churches. So he never did. Until one night in the middle of world war 2.


	3. Your meant to be wise...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* crowley for such a smart demon you can be really dumb

Crowley burst into Aziraphale's shop with a furious look on his face. He began ranting as soon as he came face to face with Crowley.

"Canyoubelieveitmeademontrickedintoapettytricklikethat??????"

Zira tried calming him down "slow down my dear, i cannot understand a word you're saying"

Breathing heavily, he started talking "i was walking down to the shop to greet you" (we all know he wasn't going there to just "greet" him but suuure, Crowley") "and i found a coin on the sidewalk. But i couldn't pick it up. It turned out some fucking human had glued it to the pavement!"

"Oh dear" said Aziraphale "but couldn't you have miracled it off?"

"It's not about that" said Crowley, irritated "It's about winning this war. I tell you, these humans are wicked."

"Then perhaps you should start with a battle first. Just miracle it off. It would greatly annoy whoever put it there that someone got it off."

Crowley eventually calmed down as he considered this. "Not bad you know. You know what, angel, your smarter than i give you credit for"

"Oh, the- there's no need to say that" he said, blushing furiously.

"Sorry but I've got to go now. Need to fix that coin"

"It's fine go, go"

* * *

*13 days ago*

Crowley stood in the middle of a road in central London. Cars swerved around him as they tried not to hit him. Crowley didn't mind. Just another dastardly demonic act.

This one, in his opinion, was a stroke of genius. In his hands he held a bottle of glue, and a coin. He went to work which took about only 5 seconds of his time, but when he was finished he felt proud of himself. 

He walked away, not knowing what would happen to his work 13 days later.


	4. The esnake artist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley's in a spot of trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did i not know i was bi when i listened to panic! at the disco and read/write fanfiction about good omens.

Aziraphale sat down at his desk reading an old forgotten book, ( _how to tell if thy angel possesses feeling for thou_ by a C. Rowley). He absent mindedly skimmed the pages. It reminded him of his demonic, more-than-friend Crowley. Although why he thought that, only God could tell.

Just before getting to chapter 4, _doth thy angel helps thee with trouble,_ there was a knock at the door. Standing bemused was a postman, with a black envelope addressed to aziraphale in red ink. Aziraphale could tell who would make such an obvious effort.

Bidding the man farewell with a miracled, £5 in his pocket he sat down and read it.

_To my Aziraphale,_

_London zoo reptile house 10pm_

_Crowley_

Aziraphale couldn't understand why of all places they would meet there. Maybe because Crowley had a thing with snakes.

* * *

It was 9:50pm and Aziraphale stood waiting in the reptile house of London zoo. It was dark but he could see enough. 

He cleared his throat and called out.

"Crowley where are you I'm quite busy you know"

Before saying more, there was a tap on the glass behind him; Crowley stood behind it.

"What on Earth are you doing there?" Asked an astonished Aziraphale.

"Get me out and I'll explain"

Aziraphale pulled a Harry Potter. With a snap of his fingers the glass was gone and Crowley clambered out. 

"Well... I'm rather confused about what you're doing in a reptile exhibit"

"I wasn't here on purpose." He said slightly irritated. "I was scaring the humans as a snake and i... i got captured. They were quite confused as they had never seen anythinglike me before"

"Come on lets go now it's rather dark now"

The departed and only until they looked at a newspaper talking about a reptile break-out did they remember that they didn't put the glass back.

And if you're wondering why Crowley didn't miracle away the glass himself, it's because he wanted to meet aziraphale and thought that that was a good way to do it.


	5. The bookshop bitch

Crowley was walking along a busy London room, making each passers by have a shorter top hat ~~indeed we are in 1800s London.~~ He was thinking about what evil act he could commit when he knocked into someone. 

"Watch where you're going" he started angrily, but stopped when he saw that it was a beaming aziraphale. "Oh. You seem rather happy. You get a promotion?"

"Dear God no, i wouldn't swap this for the world" said Aziraphale "it's just that I've been busy recently and it's paid off"

"Are you going to explain or are you going to leave me in suspence" 

"I'll come by you later to show you"

Aziraphale rushed off leaving one slightly confused Crowley. 

Later Crowley lay down on his bed thinking of aziraphale. What had he been talking about? Maybe a new restaurant that they could go to. 

His thoughts were interrupted by aziraphale standing eagerly in front of him.

"What-what are you doing here again???"

"To show you my new buiseness" he said eagerly.

"Buiseness?" Crowley spluttered "how did you get a buiseness?"

"Questions later let's see what you think."

They stood on a busy street corny. Crowley read A.Z FELL in gleaming letters. The place had already been filled up with books, and later, when aziraphale had ran out of room on the shelves, he would begin piling them up anywhere he could find.

Crowley stood a little unimpressed. Aziraphale was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. "Well what do you think?"

"It's quite.... bookish" crowley finished somewhat lamely.

"You don't like it..." Aziraphale began "just a stupid waste of time then...."

"Nononononono. Don't you dare call this a waste of time. You _own_ your own shop. I LOVE this."

Aziraphale got the gleam back in his eyes. "I could you know... make you my business partner."

Crowley thought it through carefully. If hell was to find out he was consorting with an angel- but he could tell them he was spying on him. Not that he'd actually do that. "I'm in. I quite like it. Bit too tidy for me but that's how you like it."

Aziraphale snapped his fingers and it soon said now A.Z FELL _$ CO_.

Many events were to take event in this bookshop whether small or large scale. No one would know that this bookshop helped saved the world.


	6. Crowley's lovely flat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Crowley came accross his London flat.

Crowley was walking along a busy London road as usual, thinking. If he was to stay on earth and do his usual demonic acts of varying degrees of evil (or just to, you know, chat with aziraphale) he needed to stay somewhere. 

He could stay with angel? No. Far too crowded with books there and it would remind him of hell. He wanted his own space, somewhere large and empty.

He quickly took to the nearest estate agents and walked in. Looking at it all it didn't seem quite right. A 3 bedroom house? Why woulf he need so many rooms to sleep when he, and nearly everyone else he knew doesn't sleep? One of them caught his eye. It was a large flat in central London with only one bedroom. It looked good enough for crowley. 

No one exactly knew who bought that flat. All they knew that was one day it was inhabited and thet were payed a large sum for it. So large, that they weren't quite sure whether the person who owned it knew how money worked.

Crowley moved in immediately. He took a glance and soon everything was placed about. 

So far the best part was his large tv.

He had gone into the shop and a very weird conversation had ensued.

"What are you looking for?" Asked the salesman. 

Crowley snorted. Salesmen. Like they knew what he wanted. He answered anyway. "Tge best that you've got"

"Ok then if you'll come with me." He directed crowley to a gleaming new tv. "It's got over 2000 channels with hd and the best sound system you could ask for. Sold seperately though."

"I'll take it" Crowley commanded taking out a lot of money.

Crowley walked out with it. The salesman considered telling the guy with the glasses that he needed to buy the sound as well. Oh well bad for him.

It was installef and had perfect sound. Crowley considered this a good sale just because of the sound quality.

The flat was still largely empty but he would solve that later with house plants.


End file.
